Reinventing Tween Girl Cliques by Rachela Farella

What are tween girl cliques? Why do they start? And how do they impact today’s generation of tween girls?

Tween girl cliques are pretty common in middle school. In fact, they are common throughout many stages of a young girls life. The difference of each clique; is the “who” part of it. These cliques are often formed by a group of girls who share common interests and social status, and can often times become an essential part of a young girl's social life. Cliques give girls a sense of belonging and a feeling of security and validation. However, more then we’d like to admit this, they can also be a source of stress and anxiety for those girls who do not fit in. And this can lead to, sadness and isolation. Two things we never want for our daughters to feel or experience.

To understand the dynamics of a tween girl’s social circle, it is important to consider a few things.

1. Middle school social status: In middle school, the need to fit in is really important for many girls. Girls who have the more popular social status; are often the ones who form the cliques. They are seen as the leaders and decision-makers of the group. And this is not a bad thing, but without positive guidance, it can be.

2. Being excluded: Cliques often exclude those who are not part of the group. This exclusion can be intentional or unintentional, but either way, it is always hurtful. Girls who are not part of the clique can feel left out and isolated. This is when the middle school tween drama begins. And once it does, it’s as if it never stops.

3. Peer-Pressure: Girls who are part of a social circle are sometimes expected to become the followers of the group. And as they get older, they may feel certain pressures to dress and act a certain way. This is where the insecurities and lack of self-confidence kicks in. The more that these girls play follow “the leader”, the less likely will they feel valuable in their own skin. The need to please will become their new found motto, and once that we must squash immediately.

4. Bullying: Cliques have always carried that target of being bullies on their backs. And sadly, it’s usually the popular girls who will become the ones to throw the target. We know them as the mean girls. Girls who are not part of the group may be targeted and bullied by some of the group members, and this can lead to serious consequences; including mental health and well-being issues. And these are two among the many more they will potentially face.

However, all of those negatives listed above can surely become positives. It just needs a little fine tuning in the right direction. We as their mothers, parents, and even educators, have to educate and teach our girls to do one simple thing. BE KIND!

If there is one thing that I teach and remind my daughter’s of everyday, and right before they start their day, it is to always be a kind human and make good choices. And you’ll notice I didn’t say, make right choices, and that’s because I want them to know that making a good choice is always going to be the right choice. Right and wrong need to be taught to children, just like what’s good and what’s bad. So if you can start there, then she’s on her way up!

Now let’s talk about educating our girls to make these good choices. In order to educate our girls to be kind humans, we as moms, have some homework to do too. But don’t worry, you’re all awesome moms, so you’ll already know the answer.

1. Encourage inclusivity: From the minute our girls can form friendships, we must teach our girls to be inclusive and accepting of others. It is imperative that we teach our girls to appreciate diversity and to be kind to everyone, regardless of their social status, skin color, or emotional and physical differences. We need to teach our daughters to accept and learn more about the challenges their peers are facing, because the more we educate and guide our daughters, the less likely our girls will bully, exclude and hurt others, and yes, even unintentionally.

2. Encourage individuality: Let’s encourage our girls to embrace their individuality and to always be true to themselves. I always tell my girls to “embrace your weird”. And I use the word weird because it should no longer be affiliated as a negative term. My weird, is what makes me my own person and that’s what I contribute to the girl world. Let’s teach our girls that it is perfectly okay to be different and that they don't have to be or act a certain way and become a people pleaser. Live up to your own standards and beliefs, and proudly share them with the girl world around you.

3. Provide support: it is so important to provide emotional support to girls who may feel as though they are not part of any social circle. Remind them daily that they are valued and loved, and encourage them to find other friends who share similar interests. There will always be someone who will have similar likes, it just takes a little confidence and courage to go out there and find them.

4. Address bullying: Take bullying seriously and address it right away. Work with your child, your mom friends, their children and especially, your child’s school administrators and teachers. Be part of the solution and help create a safe and inclusive environment for all students. Say no to bullying, educate your daughter on what bullying is and looks like, and how to stay away from it, not be a part of it, and defend herself from it. Always say No!

While social circles can provide a sense of belonging and security for tween girls, they can also be exclusive and harmful. It is important that we, the role models in our girls lives, learn and understand cliques while being able to provide support and guidance to our girls when needed. Navigating the girl world is complex and difficult as it is, but we can change that. We can change the girl world, with one kinder girl at a time!

So, now that you’ve done our homework and have now become a girl-world expert in middle school social circles, I will leave you with this final important message. Allow your daughter to embrace her weird. Appreciate her thoughts. Love who she is. And be by her side as she discovers all of this. Your daughter is beautiful just the way YOU made her, and she will continue to shine her light, in her own unique way. And once she’s found that magic, then that is what she will provide to her social circle. She will share with them, the gift of her. The end goal here, is to help show our daughters how to form positive and empowering social circles that will provide love, care, kindness and compassion to each and every girl.

So what are you waiting for? Go out there and show the girl world the wonderful gift of you!

~Rachela Farella - FearlesslyGiRL Facilitator & Founder of FearlesslyKiND Girl  

Get To Know Rachela:

As a FearlesslyKind Girl mentor/facilitator; Rachela Farella has always wanted to make the girl world an empowHERing and more inspiHERing place. When her daughters were born, she knew that had she found her true calling; to help change the girl world, one kinder girl at a time.

Glow-getter, unicorn momma, and mentor/big sister to all the young tweens out there; Rachela’s mission is to redefine what being a tween is all about, and vows to help all of these amazing young girls, transform into, fearlessly kind girls.

Workshops, blog articles, and soon to be a Podcaster mom; the only message that she wants to send out to the girl world; is that, YOU can do it. YOU can be the shero to your own story and it all starts with, you!

So always remember girls, be that girl who will always empowHER and inspiHER; because kindness goes a long way.

Follow Rachela on Instagram here!

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